Being Assertive and Dealing With Confidence Issues With Effective Assertive Communication

What is Assertiveness?

Tweet: Assertiveness is the gateway to getting respect and getting what you want.

There are four main approaches to communicating with people during any sort of conflict or confrontation, of which Assertiveness is the ideal approach. These are listed and described below for you to understand what assertiveness is, and is not.

Aggressive

People can become aggressive when feeling angry or defensive, and feeling threatened. Unnecessarily rude or intimidating behaviour, or even physical expression are all types of aggression, but even blaming your feelings or problems on someone else can be aggressive.

Examples might be: Shouting, swearing, shoving, name-calling etc. From abruptly saying ‘no’ to your boss, to shoving a kid to the floor in the playground, these are all aggressive behaviours.

Passive

People often become passive, timid or introverted when they feel inferior or want to take a back-seat. This is often seen as being a 'pushover.' It may not even be due to a feeling of inferiority, it could even just be laziness. However in terms of dealing with conflict or confrontation, passive behaviour is being submissive, agreeable, and/or accepting. This is good to some extent, however someone who is being passive is not likely to stand up for what they believe in or make sure things go their way.

Examples might be: Giving in and letting someone else get their way when you deserved yours, agreeing to do a task for someone that you shouldn’t have to do, or saying ‘sorry’ when you did nothing wrong.

Passive-Aggressive

People become passive-aggressive or sneaky when they feel angry or threatened but they don't want to make it obvious in-case of confrontation or they don't want to take responsibility for it. They are caught between wanting to be heard or have their say, but not feeling confident enough about how to go about it directly and honestly. This is often seen as being 'catty.'

Examples might be: Making hints about how you feel but not saying it directly, making jokes that aren’t really jokes – they are meant, deliberately doing something that will goad (or ‘wind-up’) another person, talking behind someone’s back (about them), or writing something on face-book that you wouldn’t say to someone’s face. Even blame and avoiding responsibility can be passive-aggressive.

Assertive

Assertiveness is being direct and honest whilst still being polite, fair and considerate. Without assertiveness people's relationships can become very 'catty,' rumours can start, and misunderstandings can take place.

When people are assertive, they are decisive and composed. They directly say what it is they need and how they feel, and they take ownership of their emotions and experiences.

For example, imagine a group of your friends have forgotten to invite you to an important evening do. If you were being assertive you wouldn’t say ‘you made me feel left-out’ or ‘you didn’t care about my feelings’ because that puts the blame on other people – you’re assuming how they felt and what they did. If you’re being assertive you would say something like ‘I felt a bit left-out’ or ‘I felt a bit disappointed because I wanted to come.’ You know how you felt, so in stating it, you’re offering the truth, and the discussion can continue from there.

Assertiveness relates to confidence - knowing that you're making a valid point, truly believing in what you're saying, or even knowing how the other person is going to respond. If there's an issue, to be assertive you need to talk to that person to sort it out in a civilised manner.

Assertive people are not always right – but they admit when they are wrong and they take responsibility for their own actions. This isn’t easy, and does involve confrontation, but someone assertive expects this confrontation and deals with it instead of doing anything to avoid it.

It is important to remember that assertiveness is not part of a personality. Yes some people are generally assertive, but no one is assertive all of the time. Certain situations and certain people make us feel more threatened and more inferior, so then we resort back to being a little aggressive or even passive, or passive-aggressive.

Why is Assertiveness Sometimes so Difficult to Achieve?

It is our instinct to stick up for ourselves when we feel ‘wronged’ and to hide away when we feel threatened. These animal instincts lead to aggression and passive behaviour respectively. When these collide we can become passive-aggressive. A threatened cat will scratch, a frightened hedgehog will curl up into a ball. It’s sometimes an instinct we can’t fight, but we can be aware of it and consciously try to change it.

Assertiveness is a sophisticated and complex attitude and is unique to humans. We consciously decide to be assertive. It is normal to resort back to our animal instincts and it is important to know that everyone makes mistakes when confronted with conflict, disagreement, or any unfamiliar situation. It is the realisation of that mistake and the desire to rectify it through a civilised and constructive discussion that leads us on the path to assertiveness.

For more information and help with working on your assertiveness check back regularly for an update on my consultancy services. Alternatively contact me on the email address below for information. I am keen to build a service around what you want, so any feedback is valuable.

THE FEEL-GOOD DIARIES

Friday 14 February 2014